"Beloved"

I have decided to start a blog, and just to give anyone who bothers to read it a heads up, it’s probably going to be badly written, not very funny/witty, and probably kind of weird.

I’m considering this an exercise in transparency, vulnerability, risk, and obedience. It’s going to be pretty hard to explain why I feel the need to do that, so I’m not going to try. I’m just going to start writing down some of my deepest and most private thoughts, and hopefully, the more I do it, the less awkward it will feel to have said thoughts floating about the internet.

So. Let us begin.

Due to a conversation with the beautiful and wise Marybeth Omido on Saturday, my mind has been pretty consumed with a certain chain of events in the Song of Solomon, which is a book in the Bible about the love, courtship, and marriage of a man and woman who represent Christ and His church. The man is called the “Lover” and the woman is referred to as the “Beloved.”

In the Song of Solomon, at one point the Lover asks his Beloved to come with him out into the mountains, ("Arise, come, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me" 2:13)  but it appears as though she refuses to go. He departs, and she is without him.

As a result of choosing to not go away with him, she is completely unsatisfied. Her heart has a deep longing for him, and she knows that her life will not feel fulfilled until he returns to her, and she has a chance to say yes to him.

" All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him." 3:1-2

Later on, he comes back, and asks his beloved a second time to come away with him into the mountains to be with him. This time she chooses correctly. She says yes to him and retreats with him for a season of deep intimacy and love. During this season the Lover and the Beloved seriously pour out the love on each other. They explain all of the reasons that they are intoxicated with each other, why there is no one that can satisfy their hearts the way that the other one can. In this season nothing is hidden from the other. Their love reaches new depths and they become one. (chapter 4)

Soon, the pair returns, and next something strange happens. The Lover departs. He leaves his Beloved alone and is not by her side.

"I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but he did not answer..."  5:6

 This time, the Beloved has a choice. She can either choose to believe that her Lover is not who she thought he was—that he is actually cruel, and unkind and callous. That everything she learned about him during their entire relationship was a façade covering up who he really is. That she means little to him, and so she will reject him as he has rejected her. She can choose to believe that she is not worth his love. That she is unlovely, and of little value.

The beauty in this story that struck me and that has in a way haunted me all weekend is what the Beloved does. If I was in that situation, I would reject the Lover and feel completely justified in doing so. I would ignore what I thought I knew about him, and choose to believe the worst. But that is not what the Beloved does. She has such deep conviction in his love for her, that not even his unexplained departure can shake her assurance in the depth and goodness of his love.

"O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you-- if you find my lover, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love." 5:8

When her friends ask her why she loves the Lover, she immediately lists off several things about him (5:10-16), things that she loves about him even in the midst of a separation that he has initiated without explanation. She is left to faithfully trust in what he has revealed to her about his heart, even though circumstances would tempt her to believe otherwise. The seasons of intimacy and love they have previously shared have connected her heart so deeply to his that even when circumstances would make it seem as though he has cast her aside, she abides in what her heart knows to be true about him and the way that he loves her.

I must confess that these past several months I have found myself in the same place that the Beloved is in when the Lover leaves her. But, unlike the Beloved, I have chosen wrong. I have allowed my seasons of separation to foster feelings of hurt and distrust towards the Lord. I have chosen wrong, but our God is gracious and He has shifted my perspective to show me the truth of who He is and where He is when He doesn’t draw near to me when I’m asking Him to.

I think it’s an important lesson to learn how to praise God for giving us the chance to be faithful and loyal to him when we feel like the abandoned Beloved. To learn to say to him “Yes, I know you. I know your heart and I know who you are. I know that you are overflowing with love for me, and even if I can’t see you and feel you in this moment/day/week/month/year, I trust that you have chosen me, and will return to me soon, full of compassion and grace and love for me. I will choose to trust You. I will choose to be satisfied in you and only you. I will choose to wait on you patiently, with a soft and tender heart full of trust and obedience.”

I wonder if the Lover withdraws in this way because he has a heart that longs to be pursued by his Beloved in the same way that we, as his Beloved, long to be pursued by him? I wonder if his heart longs for us to be faithful to him in times of trouble, the same way that I know we long for him to faithfully stand by us when we are faced with hardship?

I think that for our entire lives, we will feel this “separation” from the Lord (in various degrees, for various lengths of time) as part of a pattern. And I don’t believe that is because we serve a careless God who forgets about us. I think it is because He is giving us opportunities to grow in faithfulness and in love for Him. Because in my opinion, our reason for existence is to give honor and glory to our God. We will feel the most deeply satisfied with our lives when we are doing that well. And what better way to do that than to live in a constant state of faithfulness in who He is and what we know is in His heart for us? To do that would be to live in a state of complete confidence in our identity in Him.

I cannot imagine the effect that a life lived in that way would have on this world. It encourages me that although I did not choose well this time, that the Lord is faithful when I am not. That He has made an oath to never forsake me. That no one can snatch me out of His hand. I’m sure I will have many more seasons where suddenly I feel a sense of separation from the Lord, and that I will have to make a choice once again about how I will let that affect the way my heart views Him. I hope so much that I will choose well. That I will have the strength to choose to sing out to my friends all the reasons that I love Him, despite circumstances telling me that I’ve been abandoned.

I guess that’s one of the reasons for this blog actually. I think that this is my way of singing out to my friends (with a great lack of eloquence) all the things that I love about my “Lover” and all the things that I know to be true about Him even when I cannot feel His presence.