In this whole series of posts about who I am and what pieces of my past and experiences and heart make up who I am today, I have saved the most important thing to write about last, mostly because I don't know how to explain why it is so important-- not without sounding insincere or rehearsed.
As much as I love to use words, they are found wanting when I try to explain (even to myself) why my relationship with Christ is the most important thing in my life. Why it defines so much of who I am. More than my family and my friends and my wants and my dreams and my sweetest memories.
As far as dreams are concerned my biggest dream for my life-- bigger than becoming a wife and mother someday, or having my own home, or going on adventures with the man who will be my husband-- bigger than all that is the knowledge that my dreams are emptiness if I am not allowing the Lord to make me more like Him every day. If I am not inviting Him into my life, my friendships, my marriage, my career, my fun, everything... then I am in the wrong. I will not experience true contentment or peace, because I am not fulfilling my purpose, to glorify God with every second of life and to make my life and love mirror Christ's as much as I can.
I am so imperfect. In the last few days my flaws have felt like they are closing in on me. I am self centered, and quick tempered, and unforgiving, and flighty.
The sweetest bit of encouragement I can hear on days like today where I feel discouraged by my failings is that Christ has started something in me, and He will see it through to the very end. He won't leave me to my own devices. Where I am flawed and where my faith is weak, He is strong and whispers that His grace is sufficient for me. Where I am afraid and distrustful, He holds me tighter so that I can feel Him and be reminded that I am not alone. He gives constant hope.
When I sin and turn away from God's nearness in shame, He reminds me: "I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." Is 42:22
Who Christ is, is the ultimate truth. Even if I were to ignore it or refute it, it would still be true.
It guess that the reason that my relationship with Christ defines me utterly is because it changed from the very core what my destiny is. It made me a daughter of the King. It gave me eternal life and purpose when before there was only fear and death and sadness and empty longing.
Christ's call on my life changed the ending to my story, because my story isn't about me anymore. It's about how I can take this love I have been given freely and give it away. And it's a journey of accepting grace. Every time I stumble or turn away or am unfaithful, He will remain faithful and steady and present, for my shortcomings do not change the nature of God's heart towards His child. He will be faithful, to lead me and guide me and discipline me as He sees fit, to mold me into a vessel that gives glory to Him.
He is the only thing in me that is truly good. Where I wander, He will be before me and behind me. He will not abandon me, but will carry me with Him, and in Him, I will be strong.
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