It has been intense in a way I wasn't expecting. I expected the intensity to come out in a very mental way-- lots of thinking and lots of wrapping my mind around big ideas and thoughts. But it didn't quite occur to me that it would be intense in a personal, relational way too. Living in a room with seven other girls, and being surrounded by crowds of people, and constantly meeting new friends is an exhausting process. Going before God constantly throughout the day is exhausting too, in such a unique and different way.
It's funny how the things that fill you up to the brim can at first be so exhausting.
Since I arrived here last Thursday there has been one think that I've really felt the Lord has been telling me-- I know Him. I've heard His voice, and I have felt His love, and it is real and valid and good. But for whatever reason, I have only been comfortable allowing a certain (and very manageable) amount of His love into my life.
But for the first time I'm seeing that He has so much more for me.
And it's like my eyes are open, and I think that's what He was waiting for. For me to ask for more than the little slice that I have appropriated for myself, and I am getting the sense that He is overjoyed to give us more if we ask for it, but He won't force us into a level of intimacy we aren't ready for.
I think we all approach the heart of God with our own agenda of what love means attached to it, and I think that the baggage of that agenda often weighs us down and stops us from seeing how all encompassing that His love can be. It's like we are wearing love-shaped goggles (whatever that means to each of us) and if His love doesn't fit into the shape of love that we have experienced, we're blinded to it.
If I'd heard that statement last week, I would have agreed with it in my mind, but after this past week I can agree with it in my heart. As dramatic as it sounds, I feel like a blind person who all the sudden has been given sight. As simple as Christ's love is, I feel like I have been missing it. Even though it has been real in my life, it has been simply part of a pie chart of activities that make up my day. More of a routine than the overflow of an enamored heart.
And I'm so hungry for more.
Week one. And I'm ready for even more intimacy.
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