Understanding vs. Enjoying

This is a little late in coming, but I wanted to share my thoughts from last week on enjoying God versus understanding God.

Classes last week were… difficult. Frustrating. Paradigm shifting. Offensive even.

I think that’s because I have been intent on understanding the mind of God for the sake of an experience. Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t for one second believe that my desire to understand is a bad thing—I think that my desire to know the “why’s” and “how’s” are nothing less than a gift from Him. I like to imagine He enjoys my curiosity and wonder because behind it all is a hunger to know Him.

But I think it might stop being a good and useful thing when all you can do is ask questions instead of enjoying the things that you do see and understand.

It stops being a tool to knowing and loving God more, and instead becomes a blockade.

This week, we were lucky enough to hear firsthand from a man named Dan Bauman stories of the adventures he has had while pursuing his greatest passions—loving God and loving people. I haven’t had the privilege of listening to many people speak who are as passionate about simply loving and being loved by God as Dan is.

It was good.

It was also annoying.

This is a man who has audibly heard the voice of God. A man who has experienced dreams and visions. A man who has been imprisoned and tortured for his faith.

One of his more mind-bending stories occurred during a two month period where (due to political unrest) he was forced to leave his job and country of residence. He ended up in Thailand at a prayer meeting with some friends, and as he prayed and asked God what they (meaning he and God) should do until he could go back to his country, he received the name of a specific people group and the command to  go to them and pray for them for three weeks.

He had no idea who this people group was, so he started asking every person he came into contact with whether they had heard of it. He finally spoke to a man who not only recognized this people group (who lives in Northern China), but who actually had an Australian friend who lived near this ethnicities territory. Unfortunately there was a problem. This man had no idea what his friend’s address, phone number, or email was. He only knew the name of his city of residence (a city of 7-8 million people) and some vague impression that his Australian friend was studying a language there. He eventually confessed that it was possible that his friend wasn’t even in China at the time.

Dan was slightly discouraged by this, and though he continued praying, he received no other direction from God. But as the message he had received was clear, he felt he had two options. One—he could go to China with no more information than one name in a city of millions out of obedience to God. Two—he could stay in Thailand with his friends at a prayer conference.

He chose option one.

A short time later he found himself on a Chinese train that would deliver him (92 hours later) in the city he hoped that his contact was in. He walked up and down the train and eventually found an English speaking Chinese man who offered to give him a ride once they arrived. Dan very happily accepted.

“Where does your friend live?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Oh, well what’s his address?”

“I don’t actually have it.”

“Alright, well do you have his phone number?”

“Umm… no.”

Blank stares. Incredulous laughter.

At this point, Dan felt his first bit of direction since he had chosen obedience towards God. Ask about the main university.

“ Sir, do you think you could take me to the main university?”

“Of course!”

So, a few hours later, Dan found himself standing on the campus of a massive university in China in the middle of the night with no contact, no place to sleep, and no idea if this Australian man was even a student here.

Walk into the lobby. He walked. Stand here for twenty minutes. He stood. Walk down this hallway. He went. Knock on the last door in the hallway. He knocked and as the door opened, found himself facing a German professor. Dan immediately struck up a conversation. He told him the situation-- that he had no idea what the man’s address or contact information was, and the bemused German man informed him that he would never find his friend with so little information to go off of. Before the conversation ended the German professor asked Dan the name of his Australian contact in the city. As Dan said the name, the German professor’s face paled and eyes widened.

“I know the man you are looking for. Can I take you to him?”

“YES!”

Within the hour, Dan stood at the front door of his contact’s apartment in the middle of the night in a strange city, and knocked, praying that someone would be home.

The door opened and Dan looked the Australian man in the eyes, knowing that this man had no idea who Dan was, or why Dan was there. “Sir, I have been looking for you.”

Dan introduced himself, was invited inside, and told the man his stories.

The Australian man’s eyes filled with tears as he told Dan that a week previously he had been lying flat on the floor pleading with God to send people to pray for this specific group of people in China. For the next three weeks the two men prayed and Dan was even able to visit this people group. Great things are in store for the people that God told Dan to pray for. Many other stories were connected to this trip, but what struck me the most was the reasons God put such specific instructions into Dan’s heart and mind.

The Lord’s direction was good and true, and He did it simply out of love. Out of love for Dan, who was willing to be obedient. Out of love for the Australian man, who wanted an outpouring of God’s grace on others. And out of love for this people—a people that He sent His son to die for, and who were living in separation from Him.

Now, back to me describing listening to these stories as “annoying.”

If I am entirely honest, I was slightly offended by this (and other) stories that I heard from Dan this week. After all, I love God. I want to experience God’s love and direction and grace. I’m willing to be obedient. So, what’s the deal? Why do I receive so little when I see Dan receive so much?

Why does he get to experience God chasing after him as a pursuer, when (if I’m honest) I sometimes feel like God could take me or leave me and not care much either way?

I think there is a lot that needs to be unpacked in all of this, but hey, it’s only week one of my DTS.

As I struggled through Dan’s stories and waded through my own frustration and impatience,  I started to think of enjoyment. I was hearing wonderful things about how God is moving in big ways all over the world. Shouldn’t that make me happy? Shouldn’t there be joy on some level? It was then that I began to wonder whether my mindset had began to warp to make this all about me.

How much do I experience.

How much do I understand.

How much do I know.

It’s an easy thing to do, because after all, this is my life.

But I realized there’s a better way that yields better fruit. The questions I should be asking aren’t centered around myself.

How is God revealed in this?

How are people being served?

How can this help me enjoy God?

And with that, I felt I had a tool to handle my frustration. It’s so easy to throw a fit when God is revealing things that we don’t quite understand, and we have the freedom to do that if we want. But to what purpose? All it grows is frustration and annoyance.

I decided it was better to ask God (as His friend) to help me hear the things that would allow me to enjoy Him more as  I listen to my brother in Christ shared stories about his adventures with our heavenly Father.

I won’t say that there hasn’t been frustration since then, because the hunger to experience what I see in the lives of others is still (and I hope will always remain) inside of me.

But focusing on who God is and what He can do? That, my friends, changes everything.

More

I have officially been at YWAM Kona for one week. 

It has been intense in a way I wasn't expecting. I expected the intensity to come out in a very mental way-- lots of thinking and lots of wrapping my mind around big ideas and thoughts. But it didn't quite occur to me that it would be intense in a personal, relational way too. Living in a room with seven other girls, and being surrounded by crowds of people, and constantly meeting new friends is an exhausting process. Going before God constantly throughout the day is exhausting too, in such a unique and different way. 

It's funny how the things that fill you up to the brim can at first be so exhausting. 

Since I arrived here last Thursday there has been one think that I've really felt the Lord has been telling me-- I know Him. I've heard His voice, and I have felt His love, and it is real and valid and good. But for whatever reason, I have only been comfortable allowing a certain (and very manageable) amount of His love into my life. 

But for the first time I'm seeing that He has so much more for me. 

And it's like my eyes are open, and I think that's what He was waiting for. For me to ask for more than the little slice that I have appropriated for myself, and I am getting the sense that He is overjoyed to give us more if we ask for it, but He won't force us into a level of intimacy we aren't ready for.

I think we all approach the heart of God with our own agenda of what love means attached to it, and I think that the baggage of that agenda often weighs us down and stops us from seeing how all encompassing that His love can be. It's like we are wearing love-shaped goggles (whatever that means to each of us) and if His love doesn't fit into the shape of love that we have experienced, we're blinded to it.

If I'd heard that statement last week, I would have agreed with it in my mind, but after this past week I can agree with it in my heart. As dramatic as it sounds, I feel like a blind person who all the sudden has been given sight. As simple as Christ's love is, I feel like I have been missing it. Even though it has been real in my life, it has been simply part of a pie chart of activities that make up my day. More of a routine than the overflow of an enamored heart. 

And I'm so hungry for more. 

Week one. And I'm ready for even more intimacy. 

Youthful Dreams

I will write a list about anything, and anyone who knows me well can back that statement up.

So, it make a lot of sense to me when I was thinking over which of my wishes fell into the category of "youthful dreams" to make a list. Here it is:

- own a tiny house

- sell all of my stuff and spend 6 months travelling around the continental U.S.

- go on a backpacking/biking/camping trip

- convince as many friends as possible to join me on the above two dreams

- grow a vegetable garden

- eat the vegetables that I grew in the aforementioned garden

- learn an instrument

- learn another language

- maybe spend some time in another country so that I can learn another language

- get a dog

- work on a farm

- mentor someone younger than me

- take an art class, or a sewing class, or a writing class-- anything to foster creativity

Someday, when I'm married and have children and am looking back into my 20's, these are some ideas of what I may want to accomplish. They aren't necessarily on the level of promises to myself, but they are definitely ideas. Ideas and inspiration to remind me to use my time wisely.

To Squander or to Save

Recently at work I have been going through a lot (hours and hours worth) of paperwork, checking and confirming monotonous details that only require a few brain cells.

To ward off the monotony, I have been listening to a lot of Ted Talks. If you’ve never listed to any, you should without doubt check them out!

I found myself naturally gravitating towards Ted Talks that focused on minimizing the “stuff” that you have in your house, home, and life in general. Maybe that’s because I’m leaving for Hawaii soon and theoretically am going to try to fit everything I’ll need in the next six months into one backpack and one suitcase, but lately I have been thinking of how life would potentially be different if the only stuff I cared about having was the stuff that I actually needed. How much less bogged down would my life become?

Then it struck me.

I am free.

I am free to dream and create plans based on those dreams for a bright future, or I am free to choose to go through whatever door is most conveniently opened to me, wasting my free time watching TV and surfing the internet searching for more things that I don’t need.

I am free to squeeze every drop of potential out the life given to me, or I am free to squander it like it’s nothing.

Sometimes life can look so much like a script we all of the sudden realize that we were forced into reading—first is the scene where we go to school, then comes the scene where we go to college, then comes a job, a mortgage, a marriage, a child.

None of those things are bad. In fact, some of those are things that I dream about… someday owning my own house, getting married, becoming a mother—those are dreams that are close to my heart, and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, those are dreams that I’m proud of.

But in the here and now I am not married. I do not own a house. I do not have kids. And right now I feel inspired to take advantage of these days of freedom while they last, because I know that when my future dreams of marriage and motherhood come true, I will look back on my days of complete and total independence and freedom with longing.

I don’t want to waste my days, and at the same time I don’t want to be kept in a prison of my own plans.

As I think about intentional living, I am so glad that I’ve chosen to do a YWAM DTS. It was hard to decide to deviate from the route that I thought I would be travelling my life by after I graduated college, but I think it’s such a good choice for me. It may even have been the first catalyst for all the thoughts I’ve been having about how I really want to spend my 20’s. It has reminded me of the sense of responsibility I have for my own life.

My life was a gift to me. I am my soul’s steward, and I am one hundred percent responsible for my life and my time. If someday I look back on my 20’s and am disappointed in the way that I allowed these days to slip through my fingers, it will be on me. My responsibility. My waste. My regret.

And I choose not to allow myself to do that.

Now I’m just left with the questions that follow that choice: What now? What do I want? What do I do once I figure out what I want? How am I going to think this through, and how am I going to put my plans into action?

My answer now is that I don’t know. But I will think it though, write about it, formulate a plan, and then put that plan into action.

This is a vulnerable post for me. I don’t usually just scribble out what’s in my head and throw it onto my blog, but this time I am. Maybe as a way to hold myself accountable to the way I choose to spend my days.

Rest assured that there will be more to come on this. I hope to have many conversations about how to live intentionally, and to think long and hard about what I want.

The definition of squander is to waste something (especially money or time) in a reckless and foolish manner or to allow (an opportunity) to pass or be lost.

And I choose not to let that happen.

Hair of Many Colors

There are days when all I want is a multi-colored head of hair.

Look Up

I love this.

I am not anti-technology, and I see the convenience of facebook, instagram, twitter, and linked in-- especially since it gives us the option to stay close to friends and family all over the world.

I don't think that having an active life on social media necessarily means that you have sacrificed real, face-to-face community, but I do see a tendency in my generation to replace "real" lives with social media lives.

After all, it's a whole lot easier to connect with people when your "connection" is limited to a comment here and a post there. It's a whole lot easier to deal with conflict when all you have to do with someone who irritates you is unfollow them. Dealing with people face-to-face is... messier.

And while I think that would be great if the conversations that were had on social media were comparable to conversations people have in real life-- they aren't. At least I haven't experienced many that are. So I think we miss out, and I think that that's a real shame.

Props to Gary Turk for seeing something that bothers him and sharing his opinion in such a lovely way.

Ted Baker

As I prepare over the next two months to leave the great state of Texas for the even greater state of Hawaii for my Discipleship Training School at University of the Nations, I find my wardrobe a bit.... lacking.

For instance, though I have a plethora of high heels, sparkly dresses and leather pants (seriously. three pairs), I am shockingly low on more practical pieces of clothing like shorts and T-shirts (and socks?) 

What is more, I now find myself on the market for a one piece bathing suit. Honestly, while I have a hard time feeling excited about shopping for T-shirts and shorts, I'm thrilled about the swimsuit search! 

Although I have always been a big fan of the high-waisted swimsuits-- I mean come on, they're so flattering-- ever since watching Jessica Rey's presentation on The Evolution of the Swimsuit, I began to see the issue in a different light. Less emphasis on fashion, and a little more on the modesty factor. 

Seriously, if you've never really thought of the effect that bikini's have on the male brain (not mind, brain), watch Jessica's presentation. To call it "interesting" is a huge understatement. I've never been one to really harp on modesty, and honestly I'm still not. I think that men are responsible for their eyes, minds and thoughts, and that what women choose to wear cannot be a scapegoat.

That being said, I also have no desire to be seen as (literally) an object, and if that's what wearing a bikini gains, then I'm happy to cut the boys some slack and go for a more modest swimsuit.

Anyways, the search for a fashionable one piece swimsuit led me straight into the arms of Ted Baker, and you guys, Ted Bakers arms are a good place to be.

He is my new favorite. 

Here are some pictures of my favorite Ted Baker pieces. Granted, they cost you a pretty penny, but I'm thinking they may be worth it.

I love how much inspiration he draws from floral designs and oil painting. After all, what better place for art that on our bodies?