Reasons Why

Last week I laid in my bed at my parent’s house in Tyler, Texas. It was around 3 in the morning but I couldn't sleep.

My mind was full of thoughts about my last year and about a certain application waiting to be sent.

This last year has been amazing for me. It has been hard and easy and filled with days at the ocean, hikes in the sunshine, and dinners with new friends. This year has been a chance for me to take a break in a strange kind of way. I still have many of the same concerns—finances, career, direction, friends, love. It’s all still there in my thoughts, but it’s smaller.

When I arrived in Laguna Niguel I was hungry for something to change. I was tired. I had a heart that was afraid of everything and tried to control everything. Don’t get me wrong, I was pretty happy most of the time, but I could feel something down deep inside of me that needed to rest, and I have received that rest.

This year has been a lesson in letting go. My five year plan no longer exists, except in very loose terms. I hope I’ve learned how to hold things I love loosely rather than hanging on to them for dear life. Because the One who put those things into my hand knows my dreams and promised to take good care of me. Easy to say. Harder to believe. Harder still to hold up as a banner that I live under.

I learn these lessons, and as I learn I gain much needed perspective in my life and am able to really evaluate where I am and why I am there. What is good and needs to stay, and also what needs to change.

As I have followed this train of thought I have realized how much I dislike how focused my life is on me. It’s not even that I consider myself particularly selfish, but when you're unmarried and independent and young your days naturally become focused on yourself. And I don't even know if I think that's wrong or if it's just the way things are, but I do know that my days centered around myself feel empty, and I want to see what else I can do with my time and focus and energy.

All of these thoughts—the prayers, the self examination, the gaining of perspective— it's all been happening as I’ve spent most of this year reading the book of James in the Bible, which is full of practical, useful stuff about what to do with the faith you have. As I’ve read and thought and questioned, there’s one verse that seems to sum up the shape my faith should take: “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.”

I’ve read it before and I’ll read it again, but this year it planted itself in my mind and took special meaning to me. This year, it finally occurred to me that as a Christian I am commanded countless times to go serve others, yet I very rarely put myself in a position of service. There is no treasure on this earth that Jesus cares about as much as people, and I want to learn to truly cherish the same things He does. 

Last week I laid in my bed at my parent’s house in Tyler, Texas. It was around 3 in the morning but I couldn’t sleep.  

I couldn’t sleep, so I got out of bed and went to the computer where my application for a six month Discipleship Training School with Youth with a Mission sat in a file, completely filled out and waiting for me to make a decision.

I sent it in. There was no big dramatic moment, just lots of thoughts that told me that I would be fine if I didn’t go, but I would probably be better if I did. Thoughts that told me that there were questions that needed to be asked and specific things my heart is longing to learn, and that this would be a safe place to question and to learn.

I don’t want to go to be anyone's “savior,” though I would like to tell them about mine. Mostly I want to go to learn how to serve well and love well.

I want to go because this is a great opportunity and the door is open, and I know that if I chose to stay then those six months would be spent enjoying myself under the sunshine on the beaches of California—a beautiful prospect, but eternally empty.

I like the idea of devoting three months to learning about Jesus and asking questions about my faith and challenging myself and being trained how to serve the community I will be sent to. I like even more that the following three months will be focused purely on serving others.

I think I will grow. I think I will learn. I think it will be good for me.

I went through the interview process and yesterday I was officially accepted into the Awaken DTS in Kona, Hawaii. I will be attending from July until September, at which point I will be headed off to another nation to serve in ways that the ministries local contacts see as most useful until I return to Hawaii in December.

I am nervous and I am excited, and I’m not sure what to expect. I’m familiar with going on adventures, but this will be a different sort than I'm used to.

I ask that anyone who reads this will take a quick moment to pray for me and for this experience. It's completely out of my comfort zone, and I'm nervous to be stretched.

Pray that God will speak things into my heart that previously I’ve been too busy to learn. That I will learn how to love and serve well and with all of me. That I will find a good job to raise the money to fund this adventure.

I'm setting these six months apart and in every way am placing them in the hands of my God.

And I can't wait to see what He will do!